have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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