How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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