Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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