oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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