Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
