I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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