There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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