I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
