If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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