all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
