She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
