Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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