Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
