I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
