Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
