I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
