she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
