what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
