Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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