I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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