my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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