Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
ttyl tear gas
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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