WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Drunk is a universal language darling
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
