I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
