remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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