you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
