Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
