ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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