I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just invented taco cereal.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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