man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
