I'm jealous of your bromance
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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