When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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