just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize