Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
