so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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