So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
