I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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