You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
whose parrot is this?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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