You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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