i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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