I think I died a long time ago.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
