Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
