From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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