I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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