Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
