You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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