2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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