Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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