Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
if only i could text you this smell
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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