So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize