ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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