why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
