Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
